We thank you for seeing us through once again to this Thanksgiving day. And for bestowing this gluttonous repast upon our detestable selves.
We thank you for having abstained from striking us down
With any of your hundreds of indescribably agonizing diseases
Or through some seemingly senseless accident
Like being trampled under the massive hooves of an enraged stagecoach Clydesdale.
We thank you for being the version of yourself that is worshipped at our local church
And not some other, similar version of yourself
That is revered as worthwhile by heathen hordes in far-off lands.
We thank you for smiling upon our family
So that the just sunlight of truth reflects off your enormous teeth
And warms and comforts us in our times of trial.
We thank you for escorting us to the wonderful world of America
And granting us the will and the resilience to commit genocide on its native peoples
Whose love of casinos and malt liquor tarnishes your greatness.
We thank you for presiding over our fledgling secular state.
And kindly permitting the use of your name on our currency.
Without demanding royalties.
We thank you for granting our family enormous wealth and power
And the genetic fortitude to endure prolonged and gratuitous exposure
To unwashed persons so distressingly lesser than ourselves.